No time today
This morning I turned the face of the clock on my desk to the wall. I stuck post-its on the clocks of the oven and microwave. The big one on the TV-closet went face down and the little one by the sink is staring at the tube of hand cream that’s usually behind it. The time in my computer’s taskbar had to go and the screensaver awaited the same fate. With some acrobatics I did all this without seeing what time it was. Hurrah!
Why? Today is all mine. That’s not only very rare but also lethal. I could meditate, do yoga, go swimming, clean, read, study, write, sketch, draw, make music, go for a walk, ride my bicycle, take pictures, surf the web, Skype, review my GTD lists, dabble in Personal Brain, make plans, code scripts, watch documentaries, visit an expo … What I usually do to tackle this abundance is using a sort of class hours: an hour of reading, an hour of sketching, an hour of this, an hour of that … but the day remains too short!
With all these plans in my head I lock myself completely. What is most important? Shouldn’t I be doing something that’s actually useful? If I do one thing, I leave the other. My daily choices shape my future. Karma. To choose is to lose. As a result I end up feeling bad, I don’t enjoy my day and I hardly find satisfaction from my choices. A chronic feeling of falling short. By not wanting to miss out on anything, I miss out on everything. Enough! Today I choose what feels right, moment by moment.
After censoring time, I sat down for what usually is an hour of meditation, but I didn’t set the timer. I intended to just feel when I had sat enough. This went fine and the meditation was blissful. Striving reared its head a couple of times but I could let it pass easily.
This text is long enough. The sun is shining. I’m going to ride my bicycle.
PS: The rest of the day was majestic, but I didn’t feel like writing about it. 
Soundtrack
I just don’t know what to do with myself – Dusty Springfield
What you waiting for? – Gwen Stefani
No time – Monkees
I’m late! – Disney
Links
Kenneth Folk talks about choice
Personal Brain
Getting Things Done
My daughters the gurus
“At first meditation is one of the things you do in life. Eventually you have to reach the point where life is something that takes place inside meditation.” — Shinzen Young
18:00 – Time for the evening ritual of our toddler: inhaler for her cough, ointment for a litle wound, clothes off, pajamas on, brushing her teeth, reading a book, storing the book, marbles as a reward for the cooperation, singing a lullaby, protest, singing the right lullaby, kisses, hugs, answering some questions … About half an hour later it’s finally time to sit by myself for my daily hour of meditation. Phew!
18:30 – I practice a vipassana technique where I note my experiences out loud (or whispering): unrest, itching, seeing, hearing, itching, imaging thought, talk thought, smiling, tension, swallowing, pressure, contentment, seeing, music thought, planning thought, sleepiness, itching … After ten minutes or so, I hear noises in the hallway (hearing, anticipation, frustration, imaging thought, irritation), the door swings open (confirmation, smiling, irritation, intention to remain patient) and Aiko stands before me with a broad smile: “You are here daddy? I need to do pee pee!” (affection, softening, impatience). I get up, try to preserve the same meditative attention while I help her on the toilet, remind her several times that she has to go back to bed, dodge her attempts to stretch everything eternally … Finally she has managed to squeeze out a tiny drop and after a lot of delay she returns to bed.
18:42 – Back on the cushion: unrest, itching, tension, blinking, imaging thought, talk thought, pressure, contentment … noise in the hallway (hearing, anticipation, irritation, anger), the door swings open (irritation, softening, smiling, intention to remain patient) and the same scenario repeats itself FIVE MORE TIMES. All the while I hear my wife comforting the screaming baby downstairs.
19:26 – I’m back by myself on the cushion. Four minutes later the timer sounds. The hour has passed.
One of the main reasons I meditate, is to be able to deal better and more consciously with whatever happens in life. As unsurpassed gurus Aiko and Mila help me to never forget this intention.
Mind the gap
Yesterday my wife and I participated in Earth Hour. We had a nice candle light dinner and then moved to the couch. Surrounded by little flickering flames we chatted about random things. When we were silent for a while, I stared at the beautiful shadows the plants made on the walls.
Suddenly a thought popped up: “Hm, I seem to be thinking of nothing.” I looked around the room, without words appearing in my mind, no associations. Now and then a similar thought would arise, like: “Are there really no thoughts?” or “Is this still going on?”, but the gaps of ‘silence’ between them were really long.
Apparently I did notice this and record it to memory. There was some sort of curiousity observing it all. After a couple of minutes my wife asked why I was giggling. I answered with a broad smile: “You know how I always tell it’s impossible to have no thoughts? Well, I’ve had as good as no thoughts since we last spoke, and for some reason it’s very funny.”
We talked about it a bit, and when we stopped, it just went on: no thoughts at all, just me smiling like an idiot because of the funny feeling in my belly and looking around or staring at a flame. This feeling in my belly even continued when we talked, it would be so strong at a given point that I stopped in the middle of my sentence, just baffled by this easy accessible silence in my mind, until my wife nudged me to finish my sentence. I found it hard to continue talking. It was like I was not willing to think anymore.
This probably lasted for about ten minutes. There were moments I felt annoyed when we talked, because then there would be an underlying thought like “Hey, I want to stay silent so I can go on checking this out”.
I’ve been meditating vipassana-style for about 3 years I guess, but nothing like this ever happened during meditation. My thoughts then are numerous and I consciously have to bring my attention back to my breathing or the experiences of the present moment, again and again. But last night I didn’t practice anything. It was just there all of a sudden: a blank mind. And the feeling that came with it was close to hilarity.
In the end the gaps between thoughts were rapidly becoming smaller again, until the normal continuous flow of associations was back.
Stressful thought: “I have a cold and I don’t want it!”
(photo by Eldad Hagar)
1. Is it true?
Yep!
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Snot dripping from nose: check!
Almost out of tissues: check!
Sore throat: check!
Do I want that? Nope!
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I want the snot to stop coming wherever it keeps coming from.
4. Who would you be without the thought?
A man with a runny nose and sore throat.
Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and don’t forget to find three genuine examples of each turnaround.
- A cold has me and it doesn’t want me! (so it tries to kill me?)
- I have a cold and I want it! (yeah right!)
- I don’t have a cold and I want that! (denial)
Hm, this doesn’t seem to work.
