Mind the gap

Yesterday my wife and I participated in Earth Hour. We had a nice candle light dinner and then moved to the couch. Surrounded by little flickering flames we chatted about random things. When we were silent for a while, I stared at the beautiful shadows the plants made on the walls.

Suddenly a thought popped up: “Hm, I seem to be thinking of nothing.” I looked around the room, without words appearing in my mind, no associations. Now and then a similar thought would arise, like: “Are there really no thoughts?” or “Is this still going on?”, but the gaps of ’silence’ between them were really long.

Apparently I did notice this and record it to memory. There was some sort of curiousity observing it all. After a couple of minutes my wife asked why I was giggling. I answered with a broad smile: “You know how I always tell it’s impossible to have no thoughts? Well, I’ve had as good as no thoughts since we last spoke, and for some reason it’s very funny.”

We talked about it a bit, and when we stopped, it just went on: no thoughts at all, just me smiling like an idiot because of the funny feeling in my belly and looking around or staring at a flame. This feeling in my belly even continued when we talked, it would be so strong at a given point that I stopped in the middle of my sentence, just baffled by this easy accessible silence in my mind, until my wife nudged me to finish my sentence. I found it hard to continue talking. It was like I was not willing to think anymore.

This probably lasted for about ten minutes. There were moments I felt annoyed when we talked, because then there would be a underlying thought like “Hey, I want to stay silent so I can go on checking this out”.

I’ve been meditating vipassana-style for about 3 years I guess, but nothing like this ever happened during meditation. My thoughts then are numerous and I consciously have to bring my attention back to my breathing or the experiences of the present moment, again and again. But last night I didn’t practice anything. It was just there all of a sudden: a blank mind. And the feeling that came with it was close to hilarity.

In the end the gaps between thoughts were rapidly becoming smaller again, until the normal continuous flow of associations was back.

Coincidence + Joan Tollifson

I wasn’t sure I was going to mention this on my blog, but it just keeps popping up in my mind, so here it is anyway. Yesterday I mailed Joan Tollifson, telling her how I enjoyed the honesty in her book ‘Awake in the heartland’, compared to other teachers who are all ivory-tower-like.

And then this morning on the train there was a girl I hadn’t seen before. She looked a bit like Patricia Arquette, except she was missing her right hand just like Joan. I’m not someone who avoids walking under ladders, or who wets himself when he sees a black cat, but this struck me as a really big coincidence.

One of my all time favourite worries, the number one in my top five of stressful thoughts is thinking about my body and what could go wrong with it. I just can’t help myself: when I have an ache, or something keeps making cracking noises, I get all hypochondric. Some of these thoughts have been going on for ages. Friends of mine who actually had surgeries and who have chronic pains just seem to deal with that, making me feel a right sissy with my stupid little black thoughts.

I’m just rambling here, but all of this appears to be making a connection in my head. I wonder what my dreams will be like the coming nights.

Stressful thought: “I have a cold and I don’t want it!”

(photo by Eldad Hagar)

1. Is it true?
Yep!

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
Snot dripping from nose: check!
Almost out of tissues: check!
Sore throat: check!
Do I want that? Nope!

3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
I want the snot to stop coming wherever it keeps coming from.

4. Who would you be without the thought?
A man with a runny nose and sore throat.

Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and don’t forget to find three genuine examples of each turnaround.

1. A cold has me and it doesn’t want me! (so it tries to kill me?)
2. I have a cold and I want it! (yeah right!)
3. I don’t have a cold and I want that! (denial)

Hm, this doesn’t seem to work.

The four agreements by Miguel Ruiz

(photo by mikaela_)

Yesterday I was reminded of a small book with deceivingly simple insights I once read.
It’s called “The four agreements” which boil down to the following:

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret

Commuting in anger

Don’t speak unless you can improve on the silence. –Spanish Proverb

It’s early morning, I’m just in time to catch my train. Panting I reach for my ticket and try to find myself a spot to sit. There’s a girl and her bags occupying one seat and a half. The storage space above her is totally empty. I sit down on the free half next to her, hoping she’ll get a hint and make some room. But this does not even occur to her.

Instantly I’m angry. I feel a tingling sensation speeding from my belly to my throat where things tighten up. I shove her now and then to conquer some space, but it’s no use. She doesn’t even look up from her newspaper.

Some of the thoughts that come up:

“You bitch!”
“How can you be so selfish?”
“Look at her! She doesn’t even aknowledge I’m here.”
“I hate it when people ignore me.”
“The storage space is empty, why don’t people even bother using it?”
“She thinks she’s so cool.”
“How can I even think she’s pretty when clearly she’s a bitch.”

I also think of things I could say:

“Could you make some room please?”
“Is that a way to behave?”

… but I decide not to speak, because the anger would sound all too clearly and I’m not certain which words will blurt out once my mouth opens. The anger also won’t let me just get up and find another spot. It controls me. So all that’s left for me is to keep observing my thoughts and bodily reactions (emotions) until they finally quiet down.